Category Archives: Satire

The right to be fat – kids get proactive not active

High school students in Kansas are fed up with being fed down.

Upset over 2010 federally regulated nutrition guidelines, which cap calories at 750-850, students at Wallace County High School in Sharon Springs, Kansas, recently wrote a ballad titled “We Are Hungry”.

Set to the tune of Fun’s “We Are Young”, the song has become an Internet sensation, popular among obese children everywhere.

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Hurricane Isaac or Hurricane Barack?

Will the Republican National Convention move forward despite a major hurricane which is heading its way?

According to Republicans – it will – and nothing will stop them from staying focused on maintaining an atmosphere of division.

Some in the GOP are even questioning who is really behind Hurricane Isaac and why it is threatening to rain on their parade.

“Is it a coincidence this storm is just now deciding to come ashore?” questioned one prominent republican Senator who spoke with jonstheory.com on condition of anonymity. “I think the administration has a lot of weather-related questions to answer.”

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‘The King’ comes out

In the wake of the recent Chic-fil-A controversy another fast-food chain has their hands full after a former mascot publicly admitted being a homosexual.

The King, who retired from Burger King in August of 2011, recently spoke with jonstheory.com about his sexuality.

“The bastards forced me to retire,” he said. “I faithfully served them since 1955 and when they found out I was in a relationship with another man they quietly bought me out.”

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd recently opened a hot dog stand in front of their Burger King in Alaska. The stand depicts a unicorn being shot by a bowhunter while jumping over a rainbow.

“This is just something we’ve always wanted to do,” she told reporters. “It has nothing to do with The King being a sodomite.”

Known for his creepy stare and showing up in odd places, The King said his sexuality was something he was tired of hiding from the company. He would go to strip clubs with co-workers, send himself Valentine’s and act macho towards cooks on the prep line.

“It wasn’t easy hiding who I was,” he said. “I mean, I loved that job, but for years I had to pretend I had a crush on Wendy. At least they let me wear this fabulous crown, tights, fur coat and slippers.”

Wendy is a reference to Wendy’s fast-food mascot, whom The King said he spent years pretending to have a crush on.

“I had a picture of her on my desk,” he said. “And I made this whole show of pretending to like the company of red-headed women just so Burger King wouldn’t find out who I really was. It was horrible not being able to be me.”

Wendy, who has been friends with The King for several decades, gladly played along to protect her friend’s private life.”

“I know where he’s coming from,” she said. “Taco Bell once spread a rumor I was a lesbian when really I’m straight and in a relationship with Long John Silver. His name says it all and I haven’t had to use Summer’s Eve since we started dating.”

Although The King wouldn’t come forward with who his partner is out of respect for their privacy, some have speculated he is in a relationship with Ronald McDonald, The Hamburgler or Count Chocula.

Ronald McDonald flatly denies any such relationship while The Hamburgler and Count Chocula could not be reached for comment.

“That’s absurd,” McDonald said of his alleged affair with The King. “Unlike Chic-fil-A we aren’t concerned with choking the chicken, homosexuality or heterosexuality. Besides, I don’t have time for any sort of relationship – I’m too busy helping my company achieve global dominance.”

McDonald said the whole Chic-fil-A controversy is a blessing in disguise for his company. While people mull the comments of what a private owner of a Christian fast-food company does with his own money, and whether or not he’s entitled to his own religious beliefs, they are still eating fast-food and getting fat.

“Everyone knows McDonalds mission is to force corporate styled communism on the American people one hamburger at a time,” he said, “We will continue aiding the FDA in their efforts to keep health costs high while bankrupting and poisoning the American people. We’re right on track with our goals and could care less who marries whom as long as kids keep getting fat. People might have quit smoking had they known the Marlboro Man was gay. They sent him staright back to Brokeback when he threatened to come out.”

This isn’t the first controversy The King has faced – several years ago many religious conservatives accused him of being Muslin since he sports a beard.

“I almost shaved it off, but then decided against it since it hides my double chin,” he explained. “You try eating hamburgers for over 50 years and see how it affects your body. I’ve had three bypass surgeries as well.”

Many in right-wing circles still aren’t convinced when it comes to The King’s religious affiliations, and Burger King receives regular correspondence calling for The King’s birth certificate and baptismal records.

“Believe it or not I’m Episcopalian,” The King said.

Since his retirement The King has started a dance company and fashion line. A new reality series dedicated to his lifestyle will air this fall.

 

 

Proposed ‘Daylight Stretching’ a real possibilty

Congressional stimulus packages just might not be enough according to Democrats across the nation, which is why some scientists, economists and law makers are proposing a switch from a 24-hour day to a 25-hour day.

Lengthening the day might be the full-proof remedy to jump-starting the economy and creating more jobs.

“Think about it,” said Daniel P. Smigley, a top scientist with Deathton Civic Laboratories in New Mexico. “In a typical 24-hour day people work an average of eight hours and sleep and average of eight. Why not lengthen the day to give people more time to spend, consume our natural resources and throw away what they don’t use?”

Democratic representatives are positive the 25-hour day will give the economy a boost.

“People just can’t get everything done in 24-hours,” Rep. Phil Cheatston, (D-Del.) said. “This is about giving the people what they want – more time to spend, consume and search for meaningful employment and a second job so representatives on both sides of the aisle can receive a generous benefits package and salary. Plus, everyone will have a little more time to spend with their families, transgender or same-sex partners, and say or not say a prayer around the dinner table at night.”

President Barack Obama threw his full-fledged support behind everyone on both sides who are working to achieve the dream of making him a legend in his own mind.

“This isn’t about how long it takes our planet to revolve around the sun,” he said in an address on the White House lawn. “It isn’t about what time the sun rises or sets. It’s about the hope that we all have a little more time to solve our problems as a united people, a little more time to put those things which aren’t so important on the back-burner and a little more time to campaign.”

When questioned by reporters about the laws of science and how this would potentially interfere with the number of days in a year, Obama dismissed them, saying we can only fail where we let failure hold our bootstraps down.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” he said. “Peoples of all ethnicities and sexual persuasions have used various calendars throughout time. To those who think it’s just not possible to lengthen the day I only have three words – yes we can.”

But Republicans have already vowed to block any attempt to lengthen the day, which they say interferes with their own proposed legislation, “Daylight Savings In Praise of God”.

“What we need to be doing is shortening the day to 23-hours,” Billy Biblethump (R-Georgia) said. “Just cutting out one hour would equal billions in savings.”

Biblethump, who is behind the Daylight Savings measure, said shortening the day will give those who would practice evil less time to commit sins.

“That’s one less hour to practice the evils of homosexuality and other perversions,” he said, “ One less hour to murder the unborn, and one hour closer to the day of judgment.”

Some in the scientific community say lengthening the day could have unintended consequences on the environment. One more hour of sunlight will surely heat up average temperatures, they say, which will raise water levels, flood major coastal regions and wreak havoc on surfers everywhere.

It’s a concern Obama agrees with yet denies.

“Do we all need to eat healthier and control our emissions? Yes. Does that mean I’m going to cut out beans? No,” he said. “The problem isn’t the sun, or Earth cycles, it’s us not them.”

He also dismissed naysayers everywhere and warned that those who follow him will naturally be persecuted just as prophets of all religious affiliations were.

“There will be those who say we can’t, there will be those who say we can and there will be those who say we are crazy,” he told reporters. “But then there will be those who say we can, those who say we can’t and those who know we are sane. I’m not wasting time with childish games and those who question progress. They said the Earth was flat and they were wrong. They said the Earth revolved around the sun and they were right. They will say what they will and I defend the right of every person to speak their mind with dignity. ”

In a side-note, the president said more sunlight would be a benefit to his wife’s garden, and obese children would have access to more vegetables, because vegetables would logically grow larger with the expanded hour of sunlight.

Michelle Obama has already signed a $2 million book deal to write about the lengthened day, “Out of The Darkness and Into The Light”.