Congressional stimulus packages just might not be enough according to Democrats across the nation, which is why some scientists, economists and law makers are proposing a switch from a 24-hour day to a 25-hour day.
Lengthening the day might be the full-proof remedy to jump-starting the economy and creating more jobs.
“Think about it,” said Daniel P. Smigley, a top scientist with Deathton Civic Laboratories in New Mexico. “In a typical 24-hour day people work an average of eight hours and sleep and average of eight. Why not lengthen the day to give people more time to spend, consume our natural resources and throw away what they don’t use?”
Democratic representatives are positive the 25-hour day will give the economy a boost.
“People just can’t get everything done in 24-hours,” Rep. Phil Cheatston, (D-Del.) said. “This is about giving the people what they want – more time to spend, consume and search for meaningful employment and a second job so representatives on both sides of the aisle can receive a generous benefits package and salary. Plus, everyone will have a little more time to spend with their families, transgender or same-sex partners, and say or not say a prayer around the dinner table at night.”
President Barack Obama threw his full-fledged support behind everyone on both sides who are working to achieve the dream of making him a legend in his own mind.
“This isn’t about how long it takes our planet to revolve around the sun,” he said in an address on the White House lawn. “It isn’t about what time the sun rises or sets. It’s about the hope that we all have a little more time to solve our problems as a united people, a little more time to put those things which aren’t so important on the back-burner and a little more time to campaign.”
When questioned by reporters about the laws of science and how this would potentially interfere with the number of days in a year, Obama dismissed them, saying we can only fail where we let failure hold our bootstraps down.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” he said. “Peoples of all ethnicities and sexual persuasions have used various calendars throughout time. To those who think it’s just not possible to lengthen the day I only have three words – yes we can.”
But Republicans have already vowed to block any attempt to lengthen the day, which they say interferes with their own proposed legislation, “Daylight Savings In Praise of God”.
“What we need to be doing is shortening the day to 23-hours,” Billy Biblethump (R-Georgia) said. “Just cutting out one hour would equal billions in savings.”
Biblethump, who is behind the Daylight Savings measure, said shortening the day will give those who would practice evil less time to commit sins.
“That’s one less hour to practice the evils of homosexuality and other perversions,” he said, “ One less hour to murder the unborn, and one hour closer to the day of judgment.”
Some in the scientific community say lengthening the day could have unintended consequences on the environment. One more hour of sunlight will surely heat up average temperatures, they say, which will raise water levels, flood major coastal regions and wreak havoc on surfers everywhere.
It’s a concern Obama agrees with yet denies.
“Do we all need to eat healthier and control our emissions? Yes. Does that mean I’m going to cut out beans? No,” he said. “The problem isn’t the sun, or Earth cycles, it’s us not them.”
He also dismissed naysayers everywhere and warned that those who follow him will naturally be persecuted just as prophets of all religious affiliations were.
“There will be those who say we can’t, there will be those who say we can and there will be those who say we are crazy,” he told reporters. “But then there will be those who say we can, those who say we can’t and those who know we are sane. I’m not wasting time with childish games and those who question progress. They said the Earth was flat and they were wrong. They said the Earth revolved around the sun and they were right. They will say what they will and I defend the right of every person to speak their mind with dignity. ”
In a side-note, the president said more sunlight would be a benefit to his wife’s garden, and obese children would have access to more vegetables, because vegetables would logically grow larger with the expanded hour of sunlight.
Michelle Obama has already signed a $2 million book deal to write about the lengthened day, “Out of The Darkness and Into The Light”.