‘The King’ comes out

In the wake of the recent Chic-fil-A controversy another fast-food chain has their hands full after a former mascot publicly admitted being a homosexual.

The King, who retired from Burger King in August of 2011, recently spoke with jonstheory.com about his sexuality.

“The bastards forced me to retire,” he said. “I faithfully served them since 1955 and when they found out I was in a relationship with another man they quietly bought me out.”

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd recently opened a hot dog stand in front of their Burger King in Alaska. The stand depicts a unicorn being shot by a bowhunter while jumping over a rainbow.

“This is just something we’ve always wanted to do,” she told reporters. “It has nothing to do with The King being a sodomite.”

Known for his creepy stare and showing up in odd places, The King said his sexuality was something he was tired of hiding from the company. He would go to strip clubs with co-workers, send himself Valentine’s and act macho towards cooks on the prep line.

“It wasn’t easy hiding who I was,” he said. “I mean, I loved that job, but for years I had to pretend I had a crush on Wendy. At least they let me wear this fabulous crown, tights, fur coat and slippers.”

Wendy is a reference to Wendy’s fast-food mascot, whom The King said he spent years pretending to have a crush on.

“I had a picture of her on my desk,” he said. “And I made this whole show of pretending to like the company of red-headed women just so Burger King wouldn’t find out who I really was. It was horrible not being able to be me.”

Wendy, who has been friends with The King for several decades, gladly played along to protect her friend’s private life.”

“I know where he’s coming from,” she said. “Taco Bell once spread a rumor I was a lesbian when really I’m straight and in a relationship with Long John Silver. His name says it all and I haven’t had to use Summer’s Eve since we started dating.”

Although The King wouldn’t come forward with who his partner is out of respect for their privacy, some have speculated he is in a relationship with Ronald McDonald, The Hamburgler or Count Chocula.

Ronald McDonald flatly denies any such relationship while The Hamburgler and Count Chocula could not be reached for comment.

“That’s absurd,” McDonald said of his alleged affair with The King. “Unlike Chic-fil-A we aren’t concerned with choking the chicken, homosexuality or heterosexuality. Besides, I don’t have time for any sort of relationship – I’m too busy helping my company achieve global dominance.”

McDonald said the whole Chic-fil-A controversy is a blessing in disguise for his company. While people mull the comments of what a private owner of a Christian fast-food company does with his own money, and whether or not he’s entitled to his own religious beliefs, they are still eating fast-food and getting fat.

“Everyone knows McDonalds mission is to force corporate styled communism on the American people one hamburger at a time,” he said, “We will continue aiding the FDA in their efforts to keep health costs high while bankrupting and poisoning the American people. We’re right on track with our goals and could care less who marries whom as long as kids keep getting fat. People might have quit smoking had they known the Marlboro Man was gay. They sent him staright back to Brokeback when he threatened to come out.”

This isn’t the first controversy The King has faced – several years ago many religious conservatives accused him of being Muslin since he sports a beard.

“I almost shaved it off, but then decided against it since it hides my double chin,” he explained. “You try eating hamburgers for over 50 years and see how it affects your body. I’ve had three bypass surgeries as well.”

Many in right-wing circles still aren’t convinced when it comes to The King’s religious affiliations, and Burger King receives regular correspondence calling for The King’s birth certificate and baptismal records.

“Believe it or not I’m Episcopalian,” The King said.

Since his retirement The King has started a dance company and fashion line. A new reality series dedicated to his lifestyle will air this fall.



8 thoughts on “‘The King’ comes out

      1. Becky Cawrse

        Howard Stern was talking about something very similar this week, it made me think of this article, I may have to forward it to him :)

Comments are closed.